The closure trap: Why you’re better off healing in silence

I’ve received a few heartfelt messages from some of you saying you miss seeing me online, and I just want to say – I love and appreciate you more than you know. Your support means everything, and I’m super grateful for this little community of women around me.

Ironically, while I’ve stepped back from social media, I’ve been more active than ever on my blog because right now it’s the only space that truly feels right for me.

I’m deep into a period of introspection, and even deeper into the sort of depression that comes with it. On days when I think I’m starting to feel a bit better, things resurface and I realise I’m actually still hurting a lot. It’s the kind of hurt that stays with you, changing how you see yourself and leaving a mark on your mental health.

Last year, I learned just how much damage a person’s words and actions can do; 2024 was such an eye opener and roller coaster for me and I wasn’t ready for some of the lessons (and heartbreak) that came out of it.

For a while, I wrestled with whether or not to share the extent of my pain with the person who caused it. Part of me really wanted them to know, wanted them to see how deeply their words cut and how their indifference made me feel, especially considering how open and vulnerable I had been with them. Maybe then they’d understand what they took from me.

But then I realised that telling them wouldn’t heal me. It wouldn’t undo the nights I spent crying, it wouldn’t change the fact that I’m having to return to therapy and essentially piece myself back together. If anything, it would set me back.

When their choice is clear

If you’re reading this and going through something similar, be it with a family member, a friend, or an ex-partner… I get it. You want them to know you’re angry. You want them to know they broke you. You wish they could understand the mess you’ve become as a result of things they said or did to you. But ask yourself – what will that achieve? Haven’t you tried enough? And are they even the sort of person to look inward and admit what they did wrong?

Remember, you let them in; you trusted them, leaned on them and gave them the softest parts of you, maybe even put them on a pedestal… and they still discarded you like you were nothing.

The person you’ve had sleepless nights over, is probably living life without a second thought about how their actions affected you. They’ll never know how deeply their absence cut or how hard you’re trying to erase them from your mind. They wouldn’t get it, nor would they care… but that’s okay.

Free yourself from the idea that verbalising your pain in every detail and seeking answers will heal you. Because your words are safer with you than when they land on deaf ears; and clarity isn’t always a prerequisite for closure. Trust me when I say I’ve learned this the hard way.

So what can you do?

Journal

Write down your emotions, the things you’re struggling with and your inner thoughts, including the things you swore you would take to your grave – even if you have to burn or delete them afterwards. Journaling helps process emotions, bringing clarity to overwhelming thoughts. It provides an emotional release, reduces stress and helps you self-reflect.

Talk to a therapist

If things are that bad, consider therapy. It provides a safe space to express emotions, gain clarity and receive guidance. It helps identify patterns, develop coping strategies and build resilience. Over time, therapy also helps with self-awareness, healing, and a sense of control over your mental well-being.

Pray

As a Christian, I can honestly say prayer and meditation have helped me. There’s a lot to unpack when it comes to my faith and relationship with God and that’s for another post. But prayer does offer comfort, peace and a sense of connection during difficult times. It helps release burdens, encourages you to remain hopeful and strong. It’s a good way to find peace, clarity and a renewed sense of faith and purpose.