My end of year reflections this year are so difficult for me to type, let alone share. I’ve had the worst year and as 2022 slowly comes to an end, all I want to do is erase the past 12 months and start on a fresh clean sheet. As much as I believe in drawing lessons from every bad situation, I could have done without “learning” anything at all this year, had I known it would cause me this much pain.
I’m sorry if this post doesn’t have the positive twist you’re probably expecting. Don’t look for a happy ending, you will not find one. Even if there is probably a silver lining beneath it all, this isn’t a guide on how to get over a bad season. This post is more like a diary entry for the shittiest year I’ve had, and I want to be real with my feelings.
What a roller coaster of emotions I’ve just been through. This year I endured struggle, failure and heartache. I disappointed myself in more ways than one, and almost lost sense of who I was as a person. I cried more tears than I thought was possible and on a couple of occasions even experienced some very dark thoughts.
I lost sight of my moral compass and gave in to some pretty horrible habits. I let situations and people control me and lost my sense of self-worth in the process. The little confidence I had was shattered because I put my trust in the wrong people.
I cried for people who didn’t care about me and fell into a very toxic cycle of co-dependency. I failed to hold myself accountable even though I knew I was bringing some of this pain onto myself.
I experienced stress at work for the first time in a while – a job I love and that has rarely brought me grief. I let it consume me and it broke me, in many ways.
Motherhood kicked my ass all year in ways I can’t even share with the world. I struggled with it so much I started to resent becoming a mother.
I continued to compare myself to others even though I had promised I would never do that again, and needless to say this caused me feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.
This has been the worst journey of self-discovery. A discovery that I’m in fact not as strong as I thought I was, not as wise and not as disciplined as I thought I was.
I want to move on from what I’ve just gone through, but I don’t know if a new year can help me achieve total peace. Things don’t just change overnight and it will take some time for me to rebuild my self-worth.
What’s your year been like?
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